hello and goodbye

Today was supposed to be a happy day with a happy announcement. Today I was going to go into the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctors to have a check up. They were supposed to do another ultrasound and tell me that everything was ok with our 15 week gestational baby. This little baby was actually the reason why I decided to finally figure out how to blog. I was going to come home, type up this blog and tell you all that not only did I learn how to blog, but that we were going to have a baby! I had gone for 4 weeks without bleeding and Chris and I were finally feeling confident enough to let our family know that we were going to have another little baby on June 1st. Instead today I am recovering from losing that baby. I woke up around 5am on Saturday morning and knew that I was bleeding... I told Chris and we went to the hospital to determine if the baby was still alive. The doppler couldn't detect a heartbeat and the ultrasound showed a beautiful little baby, but no heartbeat or movement. Chris and I were going through the nightmare all over again. I was admitted to the hospital and went through the process of delivering this little baby. "Baby Lamb" was born close to midnight on Saturday, December 7, 2013. Baby Lamb was still so small that we are unsure of the sex although we think he was a boy. I didn't get to hold our baby because he was so small and delicate, but we did get to look at him and love the dreams we had for him and for our family... I have a lot of questions...questions that probably will never be answered. I found out shortly after the marathon that I was pregnant - I was actually pregnant while I ran the marathon and wonder if that had anything to do with the loss of this baby?... The doctors tell me that I didn't do anything to cause this loss, but in situations like this you can't help but wonder. Chris has questions too, but the doctors said it was an acute placental abruption and that there is no rhyme or reason as to why this has happened twice now. Natalie, I'm sorry that I lied to you, but we weren't ready to tell anyone yet. Chris doesn't want to tell his siblings, but I do. If I didn't it would seem like it wasn't real. We would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else though, even your children, unless you feel it is necessary. Because the baby was so delicate and small there will be no burial. Although our sorrow is just as great there was a different feeling with the delivery of this little baby than the delivery of Charlie... We love you all very much and hope and pray for your safety and happiness.